Feeling Lonely? How to Make Friends in Midlife and Beyond

Do you feel lonely? Or want to know how to make good friends?

As we navigate our way through the many different roles and responsibilities of midlife our friendships also change. This can leave many people feeling lonely and wishing they had more friends. If you feel lonely, please know you are not alone. Up to 10% of people feel the same way. This means there are people eager to meet you.

In this blog I share how to make new friends in midlife and beyond—so you find it easier to make friends at this stage of life. It’s an extract of my book of the same name you can check out <HERE>.

I’ve also written a couple of variations of this blog. They cover the same seven steps but with a slightly different focuc:

How to Make Friends as an Adult – for adults of all ages, with less emphasis on things to be mindful of as we age.
Want More Childless Friends? – for people who are childless.

How friendships change as we age

When we are young, life often revolves around having fun with friends. Then as we get older, many people prioritise dating and finding a life partner over friendships. Likewise, friendship circles can also shrink as careers, working long hours, and family commitments become a priority.

Other life experiences also have a significant impact on friendships, both positive and negative, including marriage, divorce, becoming a parent, being involuntarily childless, moving somewhere new, having health issues, caring for parents, and the loss of loved ones. Each change in circumstance presents the possibility that some friendships will ebb away while also introducing you to new people. However, you can maintain good friendships throughout life, especially with friends you have a deep connection or bond with, though it may take more effort, or the nature of your friendship may change.

Midlife friendships

Friendships in your midlife years flow through a revolving door. Some friends will continue the journey of life with you, while others drift away. You meet new friends as your work and personal circumstances continue to change. Juggling family and work commitments often becomes more challenging at this stage of life, and so friendships can suffer – unless you make time for them.

People who are good at maintaining friendships find it easier than others to navigate their way through this stage of life. However, many people in their midlife years find they have fewer friends than they once had or are questioning some of their friendships.

Your fifties, sixties, and beyond

This is often a time when we go through several life transitions, e.g. menopause, retirement, children leaving home, friends and family passing away more frequently, or becoming a carer to sick or ageing family or friends. Such events often prompt us to re-evaluate our life, and friendships, and to make changes.

Common themes of a recent survey I conducted with women over 60 include being more discerning about the people they choose to spend time with, feeling more confident about saying what they think, standing up for themselves, and not tolerating undesirable behaviours. Some mentioned caring responsibilities being a factor that can get in the way of friendships, in a similar way parenting does for younger people. But others talk about the fun and joy they have with new friends as they embrace new adventures together now that they have more time to make the most of life.

Learning how to make friends is a new phenomenon

There never used to be the need to seek out friends when we lived and worked in the same tight communities all through our lives. There was a limited pool of people who could become friends and we could get the support we needed from our community.

But in the modern world, people travel more for work, move house more frequently, and change jobs several times in a lifetime. This means we meet more people and often have less time to nurture friendships.

The increased popularity of online activities and working from home since the COVID-19 pandemic might have either reduced or increased opportunities to make friends, depending on your circumstances.

We can no longer rely on friendships evolving from the people we meet in day-to-day activities. We’re also living longer, and with a broader range of activities available to us, we have a more varied range of friendship needs than our ancestors.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have learned how to do this from life experience. But that’s not the case for many people. That’s why so many adults are struggling with friendships and, like you, are searching for tips on how to do this better.

7 Steps to make friends in midlife

Most people start by thinking about where to meet new people. Occasionally meeting friends organically does happen. However, if you want to avoid wasting time, energy, and money, trying to make friends with the wrong people, I invite you to be more intentional about your friendship choices.

By following all seven simple steps I share here, in the order they are presented, you’ll find it easier to find and enjoy friendships with the right people. You’ll also be less likely to feel so alone or to experience conflict, drama, or bullying. The first four steps relate to your inner world (your beliefs, needs, values, and desires). Then the last three relate to the practical ways to meet people and nurture relationships.

Step 1 – Connect to your why

You’re more likely to feel less lonely and develop lasting friendships when the people you choose to spend time with align with your values, needs, and deepest desires.

This involves becoming more consciously aware of why you want more friends, how you hope new friends will enrich your life, and what truly matters to you. For instance, are you looking for local friends to be able to go out with regularly, friends who can support you, or friends to go on holiday with who don’t need to live nearby?

Also, consider the activities you’d love to do with friends, the kind of friends you’d like to make, and the part you have played in not having the friends you’d love in your life (see my blog post: 21 Common Reasons Adults Have No Friends).

Doing this will help you be more focused and selective in prioritising relationships with people who have the potential to become good friends and have the greatest positive impact on your life.

How do you hope good friends will improve your life?

Step 2 – Embrace a positive friendship mindset

Overcome any mindset and emotional blocks and social anxiety so you feel more confident and find it easier to make nourishing friends.

If you harbour doubts, fears or anxieties about making friends, what to say, whether you’re good enough or people will like you, or rejection, these will sabotage your attempts at making friends. Most people have some doubts or insecurities about themselves. That is human. However, if they hinder your efforts to make friends, it’s time to let them go, boost your self-esteem and confidence, and cultivate a positive mindset while building friendships.

Regardless of the life stage you find yourself in or the experiences you’ve had with friends in the past, it is possible for you to forge meaningful connections and make good friends. You can learn how to do this and learn how to overcome any mindset blocks and emotional triggers, even if you don’t know how yet. Most importantly, you deserve to be happy and surrounded by fabulous friends.

It’s time to say goodbye to feeling lonely and explore what’s on the other side of your comfort zone! Making new friends will get easier over time.

What doubts, fears or anxieties do you have that could be holding you back from enjoying good times with friends?

Step 3 – Make friends with yourself

Get clarity on who you are and what you want to experience in the future, so the new friendships you choose to nurture align with who you truly are and the type of friendships you want to experience.

This is especially true when you transition into a new stay of life, change direction, take up new hobbies, or move somewhere new. Yet, many people feel disconnected from their authentic selves. They’ve often lost sight of who they are, neglected their passions or no longer know what brings them joy. If you’re unsure what you want from the next stage of life, check out My Meaningful Life Coaching Programme which helps with this.

If you want to make the best friends to accompany you on the next stage of your journey, it’s also worth considering the type of friend you are and how you could become the best friend you can be to those you want to befriend.

What would you love to do or experience in the future?

Step 4 – Define your ideal friend’s qualities

To increase the likelihood of enjoying nourishing, harmonious friendships, identify all the qualities (e.g. values, mindset, emotional resilience, passions, skills, and behaviours) of people you’d like in your life–before you reach out to make friends.

Making conscious decisions about this effectively creates a set of filters you can use against which you can assess potential friends. This makes it easier to focus on nurturing friendships with people who are more likely to love you, respect you, and value your friendship as much as you do.

I consciously only nurture friendships with people who have the qualities of people who could become what I call nourishing friends. Read more about friendship qualities in my blog: Toxic Friends: 15 Signs of Toxic Friendships.

What personal qualities do you have for ideal friends?

Step 5 – Review existing contacts

Once you’ve got clear on the type of friends you want, and why, the next focus is to find friends – and it isn’t solely about meeting new people. You may already have people in your extended social circle who could become good friends if you were to invest time in getting to know them better. If you’re feeling lonely yet know lots of people, this is often the best next step.

Step 6 – Make new friends

If you feel you don’t know enough people who could be the type of friend you’re looking for, now’s the time to consider where you could go to meet new like-minded people, e.g. places where you can meet people with common interests or hobbies.

What’s the best thing for you to focus on first? – Reviewing existing contacts or finding new places to meet people?

Step 7 – Nurture nourishing relationships

Neglecting to nurture relationships is one of the main reasons many people lack friends. So, investing time and energy into nurturing and maintaining relationships is critical if you want more good friends. This involves adopting a proactive approach by initiating regular catch-ups, embracing new friendship habits, and creating energising friendship rituals. When you do this, your friendships will blossom more easily, and you’re more likely to feel a sense of love, connection, and belonging.

Every week and month I dedicate time to contemplate who I want to see, visit, or call. I set aside specific moments to get in touch and arrange meet-ups. Sometimes I do things the old-fashioned way and simply give them a call.

How could you become more proactive in nurturing nourishing relationships?

Summary

The best way for you to make friends in midlife and beyond depends on why you don’t have many friends, as I discuss in my blog 21 Common Reasons Adults Have No Friends. Together with your needs, values, desires, skills and behaviours, and the people you already know.
Following these seven steps will help you find and attract good friends who are likely to become friends who will love you as much as you do them.
Making friends involves taking time to get to know yourself and consider the type of people you want and don’t want as friends.
You’re more likely to make friends as an adult when you’re selective about the places you meet people and the relationships you nurture.
It’s OK to let go of friendships. Few people are destined to be life-long friends.
Become an initiator if you want more friends. The more people you invite out, the more friends you’ll eventually have – if you follow all the steps I’ve shared here.

What’s next to stop feeling lonely?

Hopefully, reading this blog has given you some ideas for making friends in midlife and beyond.

For further tips and resources check out my new book, Nourishing Friendships: How to Make Friends You Love in Midlife and Beyond <HERE>.

Want personal support to help you work out your next best steps? Check out my friendship coaching <HERE>.

You deserve to be surrounded by good friends. What’s the first thing you will do next to make that happen?

With love and gratitude,

Friendship Coach & Life Coach for Midlife Women

Enabling you to make friends and enjoy a life of purpose, adventure, and fun in your midlife years and beyond.

P.S. Have you checked out my books <HERE> yet?

Often described as one of the most authentic and inspiring souls you can meet, Alisoun is on a mission to make it easier for women in their midlife years and beyond to live their truth, do something that matters, and make the most of life.

Alisoun’s keynote talks, training, mentoring, and best-selling books Nourishing Friendships, Heartatude: The 9 Principles of Heart-Centered Success and Give-to-Profit have favourably changed the good fortune of thousands of people worldwide. Alisoun loves spending time with friends, exploring the world, and living by the beach in Scotland.

Alisoun has written the following free resources:

101+ Ways to Create a Joyful Life of Meaning, Vitality, & Impact (download this HERE).
Ebook: 52 Ways to Raise Funds for Charities and Social Causes Through Your Business (download this here)

Connect with Alisoun here: