21 Common Reasons Adults Have No Friends or Few Friends
When you have no friends or feel lonely, it can feel like you are the only one. But that isn’t the case. Loneliness and having few or no friends is far more common than you think.
Research consistently shows lots of people are feeling lonely and wish they had more friends. A YouGov Friendship Study published in December 2021 found that 7% of Britons say they don’t have any close friends, increasing to 9% for people over 40. This increases again to 10% of people who describe themselves as introverts. Figures in the US are similar, with some surveys finding up to 22% of people having no friends.
The good news is, that many people are out there ready and keen to become one of your friends. But how do you connect with them?
That partly depends on why you currently have no friends. This blog will help you reflect on this – so you find it easier to decide your next best steps towards making good friends. It is an extract from my Nourishing Friendships book in which I cover further reasons and challenges holding people back from enjoying good friendships.
You might not have control over all the factors contributing to your current situation. For instance, childhood neglect, or abuse or trauma at any age can significantly impact the quality of all your adult relationships, unless you have completely healed from them. However, no matter what your life experience to date, there will be things you can do differently so that you find it easier to make and keep good friends in the future.
As you read through this blog post, notice which reasons are true for you—both those you can do something about and limitations beyond your control. The intention of doing this is not to assign any blame or criticism, but rather to highlight reasons as explanations for the past—you can choose whether to let go of these issues or take with you into the future. This blog is also intended to give you a greater perspective on challenges which others face.
1. Not prioritising friends in your life
People who have lots of friends prioritise friends in their lives in terms of both spending time with existing friends and taking the initiative to go out and meet and nurture new friendships. While time can be a challenge there are plenty of busy people who have plenty of friends. It all depends on your mindset, how you cope with life, and how you choose to prioritise friends versus other demands. Imagine how many friends you’d have if you prioritised friendships more.
Do you prioritise time for friends every week?
2. Not meeting enough like-minded people
I used to think there was something wrong with me as I often felt I didn’t fit in at school and or the corporate world. Then I realised I was simply in the wrong environment and not spending enough time with like-minded people.
I’m always heartened when I hear of young people having the courage to change friendship groups because they realise their friends aren’t good for them. It wasn’t until my twenties that I had the confidence to be more selective about making new friends.
When I didn’t find the type of friends I was looking for, I set up and ran groups such as a travel club and business networking groups. Doing this made it easy for me to attract and meet lots of lovely people who have become good friends. You don’t need to set up your new group. Joining clubs and classes where you’ll meet like-minded people is a great step in the right direction. Being surrounded by the right people will boost your mental health and social life.
Are you meeting enough like-minded people who could be good potential friends?
3. Waiting for people to invite you out
One of the most common reasons people don’t have many friends is that they let potential good friends slip through their fingers. If you meet lots of people yet don’t have many friends, start taking the initiative and invite people out for a chat or cuppa more. Likewise, consider doing the same with old friends you loved but have lost touch with. Yes, people may say no, but the more people you ask out, the more likely you are to find people who will say yes and could become good friends.
Do you wait for people to invite you out or are you an initiator?
4. Friends moving on
As we go through life it’s natural to lose friends as they move away, change jobs, transition to another stage of life, or sadly die. Examples include when your friends get married, have children when you can’t or don’t want them, become carers, or travel a lot for their work. Of course, it could be you who moves on while people who were previously friends don’t. Friends moving on is all natural – yet it can trigger feelings of sadness or loneliness. Most people we meet and have as friends are only in our lives for a limited time. Life-long friends are the minority. This is one of the reasons it’s important to continue to meet new people and nurture existing relationships.
To what extent have friends moving on contributed to you not having friends?
5. Parenthood
Quite rightly, becoming a parent changes your priorities in life, but it also impacts friendships. First-time parents often make new friends with others in the same situation, while spending less time with child-free people and those with more spare time in their life. Not surprisingly many new close friendships are often forged during this time, when children are young. However, it’s common for many of these friendships to drift apart when children grow up and parents finally have the freedom to do what they want to do—often finding their interests differ from those of their friends who were part of their young parent journey. As their life changes and they want to spend time with like-minded people, sometimes they reconnect with friends they had before their children were born.
How could you create time to spend with friends?
6. Being childless
With almost 20% of women in the UK reaching menopause without children – many not through choice – there are a huge number of people who lose friends through not having children.
Parents become part of a club that childless people are excluded from forever. Everyone I’ve spoken to who is involuntarily childless has similar stories. Most can also recount times when people have judged them, put them down, or told them they are selfish because they don’t have children – shockingly most often from mums. I experienced this myself, and that’s why I made such a conscious effort to make friends with other childless people. If I hadn’t done this, I’m sure I would have endured many lonely years.
7. Divorce or relationship breakdown
It’s common for mutual friends to have a closer relationship with one person in a couple and it’s natural to lose some friends in this scenario. I remember personally, the one thing I worried about most was losing friends because of my divorce. My ex-husband and I had lots of mutual friends, many of whom I didn’t want to lose. Neither did he. It took a lot of effort to continue to nurture friendships with friends I was closest to and wanted to stay in touch with. Almost twenty years later, it’s wonderful that some of my closest friends are still those I met through my first marriage, and to still be on good terms with my ex-husband.
Are there friends from previous relationships you’d like to keep in touch with?
8. Changing jobs or working from home
Changing jobs and retiring can often lead to the loss of friends and leave you feeling lonely or isolated if you have relied upon people at work for company and social contact. However, changing jobs and retiring can also be an opportunity to connect with people who are more aligned with who you are and open up new opportunities.
Changing jobs can often lead to the loss of friends and leave you feeling isolated if you have relied upon colleagues for company and social contact – unless you make an effort to stay in touch with those you were closest to. But changing jobs can also be an opportunity to connect with people who are more aligned with who you are.
Since the Covid-19 pandemic, more people are socially isolated and missing out on friendships because they’re working from home. It will be interesting to see how this unfolds over the long-term and how society and the social beings we are will adapt to this new norm.
How could you meet more new people?
9. Retiring
Likewise, your experience of friendships in retirement depends on the extent you invested in friendships while you were working, as well as whether your existing friends have retired or are working. It’s easier if you have other friends who have also retired. However, many people retire with time to fill and a need to meet new people.
10. Being a caregiver
While caring for a loved one may be something you want or need to do, one impact can be less time for friendships. This can feel overwhelming, lonely, isolating, and draining – especially if it’s all-consuming over a long period, your time is often spent at hospital or medical appointments, or you’re a sandwich generation caregiver (caring for parents, children, and/or grandchildren all at the same time). In such situations, arranging breaks and spending time with friends is particularly important to preserve your own well-being. Consider respite care, setting up a support network, or using caregiving apps to help organise care, monitor medication, and keep an eye on loved ones remotely.
11. Moving somewhere new
Moving house is one of the most obvious reasons for not having many local friends. Sometimes it can feel like everyone is too busy or already in established friendship groups that are hard to break into. Joining organised clubs and groups, or making friends with other people new to the area is a great way to both get to know people and explore your new home ground.
What type of group could you join to meet new people?
9. Illness
Life-threatening and long-term chronic illness can hugely limit our ability to meet people and maintain friendships. It can be a desperately lonely time. I feel so grateful to have had lots of good friends before I got ill with chronic fatigue, as for the last few years I’ve had very little energy to meet up with even my closest family and friends, let alone make new friends.
Thankfully, there are so many ways to participate in online activities, connect with people, and socialise from home, on days we feel OK. Even before I became ill with chronic fatigue, I built many of my friendships online with people who lived overseas.
How could you make and nourish friends online?
13. A lack of appreciation for neurodiversity
This huge topic often causes misunderstandings, upsets, exclusion, and social isolation for those who are wired differently – simply because they think, learn, and act differently to what is considered the norm. Yet, this represents around 15-20% of the population and it seems more and more people are being ‘tested’ or diagnosed, so the norm seems to be becoming less so.
14. Friends die
While the only certainty in life is death, when you lose a close friend, it’s common to feel a deep sense of loss – especially if you shared a deep emotional connection, were in touch regularly, or provided practical support to one another. It can be devastating.
15. Lack of interests or hobbies
Hobbies and shared interests are one of the best ways to meet people who enjoy the same activities as you. There are groups for almost every hobby and interest you can think of. Consider what hobbies you’d like to try to find out if there are any local or online groups for that. If there isn’t one local to you, you could set one up which is something I’ve often done in the past to find like-minded people.
What groups, workshops, classes, or activities could you join to meet people with similar interests?
16. Your behaviours
We all have behaviours people will love or hate. The same behaviours will be fine with some people yet annoy or trigger others. Where most of our behaviours ‘fit’ with the environments we operate in, people will often tolerate the occasional non-desirable behaviour.
However, if you have extreme behaviours that conflict with others you meet e.g. if you’re often critical of them, negative, bitchy, argumentative, unreliable, aggressive, judgemental, abusive, or a bully, you’re likely to repel people, and find it harder to make, and keep friends. Check out my blog Toxic Friends: 15 Signs of Toxic Friendships
If you have healthy boundaries in place yet sometimes feel hurt, upset, rejected, jealous, not good enough, or disappointed, this could indicate you’ve been judgemental, needy, or expected too much of your friends. Find out more in my blog: Do You Expect Too Much From Your Friends?
I’ve yet to meet anyone who hasn’t felt this way at some point. By contrast, when we accept people for who they are, and that we all make mistakes, friendships may become easier and more plentiful.
What negative behaviours do you have that could be the reason you don’t enjoy lasting friendships?
17. A Lack of skills
Making and building friends requires a range of skills. These skills include the confidence to go out and meet people (or make friends online), be in social situations, listening, assertiveness, time management, and organisational skills. Plus knowing how to meet people, make friends, nurture nourishing relationships, demonstrate you care, and say no to someone nicely.
What skills could it be in your interest to learn?
18. Low self-esteem or confidence or social anxiety
How you feel about yourself affects many aspects of friendship, e.g. trying something new or speaking to people. However, most people aren’t born with a lack of self-esteem or confidence, or social anxiety. These are learned beliefs, patterns of behaviours, and feelings. Thankfully, there are many ways to learn how to be more confident in social settings.
I used to be so shy and unsure of myself that I wouldn’t say anything to anyone unless they spoke to me first. It’s only through life experience, reading books, and attending many personal development courses over the years that I’ve become the confident person I am today. And you can do the same. Check out books or courses on how to be more confident – they could transform your friendships and life in so many ways. I cover how to develop a positive friendship mindset in my Nourishing Friendships book.
How could you learn to be more confident?
19. Not having much money
At my events, a lack of money is often given as a reason for not having many friends. And there’s no doubt it’s harder to make friends or join in when you’re on a tight budget, need to work long hours to survive, or don’t have the same disposable income to spend as those around you. This is often made worse if you live remotely with poor low-cost travel options or where the cost of participating in activities to meet new people is prohibitive.
That said, while money can make life easier and give you more choices, it doesn’t guarantee happiness or friends. And there are plenty of financially well-off people who are lonely. Likewise, there are financially poor yet happy people who have good friends.
If money is tight, consider free and low-cost activities you could do to keep up with and make new friends – especially those that mean you can spend time with people for not much more than staying at home. Also consider how you could create even a little time or money to spend doing something regularly with people who could become friends.
What could you do within your budget to make friends?
20. Living remotely
When you live remotely, face-to-face friendships can be more challenging. I used to live on a farm, so I know it takes more effort to make friends and see people. However, since moving into a village, I’ve found it much easier. Nowadays, technology can help you to make or stay in touch with friends. So if you live remotely, consider what you could do to make friendships easier.
21. People change
This could be you or people who you’ve previously thought of as friends. With all the lifestyle choices we have today, it’s not surprising that most people we meet are never destined to be lifetime friends. We all change throughout life. Our priorities, interests, and how we want to spend our time. That’s why it’s so important to keep nurturing friendships and meeting new people all through life. Failing to do so could result in you having fewer friends as you age.
Summary
This blog highlights just some common reasons adults have no friends. Of course, there are other reasons too, including racism, ageism, sexism, religious intolerances, all forms of prejudice, not being able to speak the same language as those around you, or being in a minority group.
Some of these reasons are circumstantial, e.g. persecuted refugees needing to !ee their homes to survive which results in them being split up from family and friends. However, some reasons contributing to your lack of friends are likely to also be as a consequence of decisions you’ve made in the past. Thankfully, whatever your friendship experience so far, there are likely to be things you can do to make new friends and you will discover how to do so in this book.
In order to work out the best way for you to make and keep good friends in the future, “rst acknowledge which of these reasons resonate with you.
Key points
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If you have no friends, you are not alone. This is a common social challenge that’s sadly contributing to an epidemic of loneliness.
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Thankfully, it’s easy to make friends once you identify the main reasons you don’t have friends.
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The above are reasons why you may not have friends. For some people, they give clarity and help inform them of the best way forward to make friends. Others turn these reasons into excuses for not having friends by doing nothing differently. What you do is your choice.
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Making friends involves finding the courage to be vulnerable and be an initiator e.g. to go somewhere new, explore what’s on the other side of your comfort zone, and ask people out rather than waiting to be asked. But it’s worth it!
What’s next?
If you want more friends, ask yourself, which of these reasons resonates most with me?
Then check out the seven simple steps I share in my blog: How to Make Friends as an Adult (they are worth checking out whatever your age).
For further tips and resources check out my book, Nourishing Friends: How to Make Friends You Love in Midlife and Beyond.
Want one-to-one coaching to help you work out your next best steps? Check out my friendship coaching <HERE>.
You deserve to be surrounded by good friends. Are you ready to take action to make that happen?
With love and gratitude,
Friendship Coach & Life Coach for Midlife Women
Enabling you to feel good, make friends, and embrace new adventures for years to come.
Want regular friendship tips? Sign up for my Nourishing Friendships Blog.
Often described as one of the most authentic and inspiring souls you can meet, Alisoun is on a mission to make it easier for women in their midlife years and beyond to feel good, make good friends, and make the most of life. Alisoun’s keynote talks, training, events, and best-selling books have favourably changed the good fortune of thousands of people worldwide. Alisoun loves spending time with friends, adventures, and living by the beach in Scotland.
