7 Factors to Consider Before Ending a Friendship

While ending a friendship may be the right thing to do, I encourage you to consider these seven factors before doing so—so you don’t regret your decision later. This blog is an extract from my Nourishing Friendships book. 

7 Factors to consider before ending a friendship

Whatever the reason for a friendship deteriorating, it’s always worth considering the following before ending the relationship:

1. What’s changed or gone wrong? – take time to reflect on not only what’s just happened but also events that have led up to this over the last few months.

2. The part you’ve played – it may be hard to admit but there’s likely to be a part you’ve played, even if that’s only been choosing to be in the friendship. Could you have said something better? How could you have reacted better?

3. The part your friend plays in your life – cutting o# a friend isn’t always the best way forward. If you think about the time and effort put into making relationships work with life partners, why would you not do the same with long-term friends? First, consider the balance of ways in which they enrich your life versus their negative behaviours and the impact ending the friendship would have on you and other relationships. Then, if you feel the emotional turmoil outweighs the benefits of staying friends, it may be time to take a break or end the friendship – even if it breaks your heart.

4. The potential for reconciliation – depending on the situation, it may be worth considering whether a discussion to resolve the issue is worth exploring. It would be such a shame to end a friendship based on a misunderstanding, or an unusual negative behaviour or reaction, especially for friends with whom you’ve had a good long-term relationship. See the previous chapter for tips on resolving conflicts with friends.

5. How long you’ve been friends – building friendships takes time and effort. It’s easier to let go of friendships at the early stages by simply pulling back and being less proactive, while still being kind and polite. However, if you’ve been friends with someone for years, there are a lot more things to consider, including the most respectful way to communicate why you need to end the friendship.

6. The extent of negative behaviours towards you – if it’s been a one-off negative behaviour or situation in an otherwise good friendship, the respectful starting point is an honest conversation. Given we all have completely different experiences in life, it’s natural to have tricky moments with friends. If there have only been mild or occasional negative behaviours, consider if you’re willing to accept the friendship on this basis. However, if the person has consistently behaved in ways that aren’t good for you, or you feel emotionally abused or in danger, it could be time to end the friendship.

7. Other support you have – as with ending a romantic relationship, you may still love and appreciate your friend when you decide it’s best to end the friendship. Sometimes you can feel torn between wanting to stay friends and knowing you need to let the friendship go. That is natural. As is grieving for the loss of the relationship. That’s where having a good support team around you can help you cope better. If the friend concerned is also an emotional crutch for you, it may be worth exploring how to put alternative support in place before ending the friendship. In the absence of other friends, consider speaking to a counsellor, therapist, or life coach, who can help you with this and work out the best way forward.

Alternatives to ending a friendship

Here are a couple of alternatives to ending a friendship:

• Take a break – in a similar way that some romantic partnerships bene!t from time apart, you can do the same with friendships. Time and space can give invaluable insights about the best way forward for your relationship. This may be a need you have and a boundary you communicate to your friend. Or this may be something you both discuss and agree on. Sometimes you may feel ready to put a timeframe on this. In other situations you may feel you need to see how things go !rst.

• Accept the friendship has changed – just because you’ve had a close friendship with someone in the past doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. The nature of friendships can change over time, e.g. a close friend may become someone you now only see occasionally for nostalgic reasons, or you may decide to only see people in a group rather than on a one-to-one basis.