Ending Friendships with Compassion

Ending friendships with compassion

There are two ‘kind’ ways to end friendships either let the friendship drift apart naturally, as most relationships do over time; or tell the person concerned you no longer want to be friends with them.

How you physically break up with a friend depends on how you would usually communicate with that friend, what you find easier, and the best way to get your message across. It’s also important to communicate this in a way that’s the right balance of being firm and respectful while also being aligned with your values, e.g. honesty, integrity, kindness, and compassion. Remember being compassionate is not all about the other person. It includes being kind and compassionate to yourself which might mean putting your needs before those of the other person. 

• Tell your friend why you no longer want to be friends – without a doubt, it takes courage to do this, but for close friends, having a conversation with them is the most respectful thing to do. Especially if you were close friends or would usually chat, see each other, or send each other gifts/cards.

• Let the friendship fade away – if you feel there is nothing left that needs to be said, do nothing and let the friendship drift apart naturally. This is what happens in many friendships. It’s often easier to do this with newer or more distant acquaintances than people you’ve known for a long time. Obviously, if the other person attempts to keep the friendship going, it’s only courteous and respectful to let them know why you no longer want to be friends.

Avoid ghosting – ghosting (ending a friendship suddenly without explaining why) is the coward’s way out. It is rude, disrespectful, cruel, and hurtful.

Whatever form you choose (e.g. in person, via a phone call, email or letter), carefully plan what you’re going to say first, and rehearse or edit it several times beforehand.

What to say when ending a friendship

As with all aspects of friendship, it’s for you to decide the best style and words to use that feel authentic to you.

My style is to explain why I don’t want to continue a friendship. However, sometimes, you need to be more direct to get your message across. Here are some examples of what you could say to end a friendship. I share more about communicating assertively with friends in my Nourishing Friendships book.  

• We have a very different approach to life, so I don’t think we’re a good fit for each other.

• You’ve breached my trust. I no longer want to be friends.

• You never stand up for me and regularly put me down. I don’t want to be around you anymore.

• I’m not willing to compromise my values or ethics, simply because you don’t agree with me or don’t like what I’m doing. If that’s what you expect me to do, this friendship is over.

• I find it hard to cope with your constant negativity and criticism so don’t want to continue to see you.

• While we’ve a lot in common, we seem to wind each other up. So, let’s agree to be civil to each other at group events and accept that we don’t need to be close friends.

• I appreciate you’re having a hard time, and I want to support you. But it’s not OK for you to keep sending me abusive messages. So let’s take a break from each other.

• Don’t contact me again. I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.

• I don’t like the way you treat me, so stay away from me.

Ending friendships without upsetting the other person

You can’t control how someone will react. It is unrealistic to expect to do this without upsetting them. Occasionally, people may agree or be relieved, although some could be upset or angry. All you can do is focus on doing whatever it takes for you to walk away from the conversation and friendship knowing that you did your best.

How to cope when a friendship ends

Irrespective of who ends the friendship, you may feel a level of loss, grief, or sadness—especially for formerly close long-term friendships. Or you may experience relief, anger, rejection, shock, or devastation. However you feel, there are several ways to navigate your way through what can be an emotionally challenging time:

• Accept the part you played – even if you feel you’ve done nothing wrong, you will have had a part to play in the friendship breakdown, e.g. you chose to be friends, you allowed the other person to mistreat you for too long, you spoke your truth, you ended the friendship, stood up for yourself, reacted in a way you don’t feel proud of, or acted with love and compassion. If you’ve chosen to end an abusive or unhealthy relationship, remember to congratulate yourself, too.

• Focus on what you can control – the only things you have scope to control are your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviours. For example, you could see this as an opportunity to make new friends who share a similar interest or passion. Or to spend more time with people you’ve met in the past that you’d like to get to know better.

• Manage your emotions naturally – it hurts to lose friends, particularly those you have been close to. That’s where techniques such as EFT (tapping) can be really helpful in helping you to let go of negative emotions such as guilt, regret, sadness, or loss. This includes forgiving yourself and the other person. Forgiveness isn’t about agreeing with others’ actions. Rather, it’s one of the most powerful ways to release yourself from upset. As long as you hold onto negative emotions towards others, you give your power away to them. Instead, choose to be kind to yourself and do what it takes to heal from your loss in ways that are healthy. 

• Get support – find people you can speak to about how you feel, ideally people who are not connected to the other person, e.g. another friend, family, a counsellor, life coach, or therapist.

• Spend time with nourishing friends – replace your old friendships with new, life-enriching ones. It may take time to build new friendships but it will be worth it. Enjoy the process.

Key points

• Many friendships fade away naturally if you don’t put time and effort into maintaining them. Most friends are only in your life temporarily. However sometimes you may need to take a more direct approach to end a friendship. 

• When communicating you want to end a friendship, do this in a way that aligns with your values, e.g. love, kindness, compassion, and respect.

• You can’t control how others react. Instead, focus on doing whatever it takes for you to feel you’ve done the right thing.

• If you’re upset about a friendship ending, explore how to heal your grief and feel better again.

It’s only through letting go of friendships that no longer serve you that you have space for new ones to grow. Your life reflects the friends you surround yourself with. So, choose who you spend time with wisely.