
Do you expect too much from friends?
Do you ever feel friends let you down? After several conversations with friends and clients recently, I found myself wondering whether we sometimes expect too much from friends.
I’ve heard many people share how they rarely click one hundred per cent with all their friends. Yes, they love spending time with most of their friends. But they also often feel a disconnect too – in that, they have different interests, don’t agree with everything their friends say or do, or feel they’ve drifted apart.
They also regularly said they feel the odd one out in groups where the majority of others shared interests or views they couldn’t relate to—leaving them feeling isolated, invisible, and hovering on the periphery.
Yet, is it realistic to expect to have exactly the same values, interests, and views as all our friends? To get on with everyone in a group? Or that friends will always treat us in the way we hope?
The downside of expecting too much from your friends
Expectations and judgement are loyal partners who rarely exist without one another and often work against you.
When we expect too much from friends we can come across as being too needy, judgemental, or a toxic friend which pushes people away. Check out my blog on Toxic Friends: 15 Signs To Watch For
If you ever feel hurt, upset, rejected, jealous, not good enough, or disappointed, this could be an indication you’ve been judgemental, needy, or expected too much of your friends. I’ve yet to meet anyone who hasn’t felt this way at some point.
By contrast, when we accept people for who they are, and what they add to our life, friendships may become easier and more plentiful.
Especially when you also proactively manage your emotions and get your needs met through a range of different sources.
What do you expect from your friends?
Valuing diversity over judgement
I don’t know about you but I’d be bored if all my friends shared exactly the same likes, dislikes, opinions, values, and hobbies as me.
Yes, it’s great to have close friends with lots of similar values and tastes.
But for me, it’s the diversity of experiences, values, cultures, and opinions that form the basis of stimulating and meaningful conversations and friendships.
These discussions expand my perspective, often influence a shift in mindset or behaviour, and enrich my life in so many ways.
Even when we have massive differences in view about major topics, e.g. Scottish Independence, Brexit, or Covid vaccines, I’ve learned so much through having honest conversations with others who also value diversity more than judgement.
To what extent do you dismiss or make judgements about people?
Basing expectations upon values rather than judgements
Of course, it is good to have healthy boundaries (how you expect others to treat you) and to challenge people who don’t respect them.
I have non-negotiable expectations of everyone in my life. However, my expectations are based on values and ethics, rather than common interests.
I look for friends who value love, kindness, compassion, respect, honesty, integrity, curiosity, open-mindedness, trust, acceptance, positivity, fun, diversity, and making things happen.
Expectations that come from a place of love, kindness, and compassion will always serve you better than those that come from a place of fear, scarcity, or suspicion.
What values do you expect of your friends?
Healthy versus unhealthy expectations of friends
Here are some examples of healthy versus unhealthy expectations:
Healthy Expectations |
Unhealthy Expectations |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The role of a friend is not to complete you
I don’t feel it’s possible or desirable to be surrounded by people who are a complete mirror of who we are or who will satisfy all our needs.
I prefer to have lots of different friends with varied interests.
Yes, those I’ve lots in common with often become closer friends because it’s been easier for our friendship to flourish as we do things together. But I also have good friends with whom I only share a few common interests or life experiences – we just click.
When you get your needs met through lots of different friends and let go of unrealistic expectations, you’re more likely to enjoy more harmonious and nourishing relationships.
No one person is there to complete you.
Finding belonging through being a misfit
I’m not aware of ever expecting any one person to meet all my needs.
Maybe that’s because I was always never in the ‘in crowd’ when I was young. I was always a misfit.
Now as an adult, I see differences as something to explore and celebrate, rather than reasons to hold back.
If anything, I feel a sense of belonging in a diverse group of interesting misfits.
That said, there are certain times when it’s also helpful to connect with other like-minded ‘misfits.’ Making friends with other involuntarily childless women helped me cope during one of the most challenging times of my life. I share more about my experiences as an involuntarily childless <HERE>.
You may also want to check out another couple of blogs I’ve written about friendship:
Are your emotional triggers getting in the way?
When you’re triggered by a friend (feel an intense negative emotion in response to something you think they’ve done), what you’re feeling is often less to do with them, and more to do with you.
These feelings can be an indication that you’ve got an unmet need or unresolved trauma to tend to.
Or maybe you’re not in a good emotional place right now – when we’re stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, or depressed, our emotional triggers can get activated more easily. But this isn’t the fault of our friends. It’s our responsibility to get whatever help or support we need to recover and heal.
To expect friends to be aware of your unconscious triggers, and how we’re feeling without letting them know, is unrealistic and could be sabotaging otherwise good friendships.
For example, you may feel a deep sense of hurt or rejection when two friends arrange to meet up without you. But the reality is you’re only feeling this way because of how you’re choosing to interpret the situation. There are many perfectly good reasons why others may want to meet up without you. They don’t owe you anything.
However, if you’ve ever felt rejected or left out in the past, particularly by good friends, when friends today do something similar, they may unwittingly activate one of your unconscious emotional triggers – intensifying the feelings you’re experiencing. Yet only a small part of your feelings today may be due to recent events.
Are you aware of any behaviours of others that trigger an intense emotional response in you today?
We’re all human and make mistakes
It’s natural even for close friends to drift apart throughout life – particularly where your interests or proximity change, or where either party neglects the friendship.
Likewise, it’s sometimes totally appropriate to break ties with someone who has crossed the line too many times or has done something that conflicts with one of your core values.
However, sometimes close friends sadly fall apart because one party has unrealistic expectations, is overly judgemental, or has a zero-tolerance policy.
Yet, part of being human is that we can all make mistakes, including saying or doing things that unintentionally upset others. Especially when we’re not feeling well, are stressed, or experiencing challenges in our lives. You’ll know that when you’re not feeling one hundred per cent, it’s difficult to show up as the best version of yourself.
Have you ever expected your friends to be perfect?
Everyone does the best they can
A liberating perspective when things don’t go as you hope is to accept that everyone always does the best they can, with the resources available at that moment (e.g. energy, mindset, money, and emotional resilience).
This applies to you as much as it does to others.
When you accept we all do the best we can, which includes sometimes making mistakes, it’s easier to let go of expectations for ourselves and our friends to be perfect.
Which would you prefer – friends who apologise for their mistakes and accept you’re human too?
Or friends who don’t think they ever make mistakes and expect the same of you?
Reflecting on the part you’ve played
One of the most empowering habits we can develop is to consider the part we’ve played in situations – particularly when things don’t go as we hope.
You see the only things you can control or influence to some degree are what you think, feel, and do in response to any situation and generally in life. Yet we can often get caught up in focusing on the things we can’t control and influence. Doing so is destructive for us and others.
While others’ actions may upset you, their reasons for doing what they’re doing are often not about you. However, you have always had a part to play in co-creating what’s happening too.
-
What part have I played in creating this situation (which I don’t like/which is upsetting me)?
-
What can I control and influence (in this situation)? These are the things to focus on.
-
What can I not control or influence (in this situation)? These are what to learn to let go of.
-
How could I respond differently? From the insights above.
Summary
-
It is healthy to have expectations of friends but expecting too much doesn’t feel good and will push people away.
-
It’s not the role of any one person to complete you.
-
Having a diverse range of friends will enrich your life and mean you come across as being more interesting rather than being too needy.
-
Accepting everyone is human, does their best, yet also makes mistakes helps foster deeper and more compassionate relationships – this applies to you as much as others!
-
It’s always worth reflecting on the part you play in any situation.
What’s next?
The two most common insights people take away from working with me is that they’ve previously expected too much from friends and they’ve not put the effort in to nurture the friendships they yearn for. That’s why I cover how to be a good friend and much more in my new Nourishing Friendships book.
Want one-to-one coaching to help you work out your next best steps? Check out my friendship coaching <HERE>.
You deserve to be surrounded by good friends. Are you ready to take action to make that happen?
With love

Author, Friendship Coach, and Life Coach for Midlife Women
Enabling you to feel good, make friends, and embrace new adventures for years to come.
Want regular friendship tips? Sign up for my Nourishing Friendships Blog.
Often described as one of the most authentic and inspiring souls you can meet, Alisoun is on a mission to make it easier for women in their midlife years and beyond to feel good, make good friends, and make the most of life. Alisoun’s keynote talks, training, events, and best-selling books have favourably changed the good fortune of thousands of people worldwide. Alisoun loves spending time with friends, adventures, and living by the beach in Scotland.
Alisoun has written the following free resources:
- Ebook: 52 Ways to Raise Funds for Charities and Social Causes Through Your Business (download this here)
- 101+ Ways to Create a Joyful Life of Meaning, Vitality, & Impact (download this HERE).
Connect with Alisoun here:
- Alisoun Mackenzie Facebook Fanpage – click HERE
- Instagram – click HERE
- Linkedin – click HERE
- Twitter – @AlisounMac
- Youtube – click HERE.